Hope you’re having a great new year!
Been a little busy lately, but have recently been thinkin’ a lot about female orgasms
(mostly because I’ve been deprived of sex lately; somebody help me pls). My own struggles aside, however, I recently read that most women have a hard time reaching orgasm. Which… didn’t surprise me? Unlike male orgasms, achieving female orgasm isn’t really as intuitive. And it can be really tricky for us folks with vaginas to learn how to orgasm.
So, in the interest of making the world a better place, I thought I’d share my top three tips on how to better achieve orgasms. And if you already know how? You can use these tips to have even stronger orgasms.
1. LEARN WHAT YOU LIKE
98% of the articles I come across on female orgasm literally read like a formula on what body parts to touch in order to get turned on. That’s always confused me. While humans share 99.5% of their DNA, there is truly a wild amount of variation. Everybody is different on their likes and dislikes. Hell, even every time you get off may be different.
My advice? Find out what you like through some self-exploration (AKA masturbation). It’s 100% safe, healthy, and how a majority of women (including myself) learn to get off for the first time. You can start with your fingers, a faucet, or even a vibrator.* You can also check out this nifty guide on the different types of orgasms you can achieve. (While there is actually a lot of debate within the scientific community on how many different types women can get, these are the five “main” ones). Also feel free to check out this crash-course guide on female anatomy. Sex ed, if taught at all in schools, rarely focuses on pleasure! So it’s up to us to learn how!
Whatever you do, just don’t panic if you can’t get it to come right away or can’t make it consistently happen. Sexual self-exploration is a lifelong journey, not a destination. While I can now personally reach orgasm with relative ease, it took me years to learn how to do that. And I still don’t always consistently reach it! I still find out new things about my sexuality all the time.
In order to any person to achieve sexual orgasm, it is important that they start from a relaxed point. The brain is actually the biggest sex organ in the entire body and accounts for 40% of all sexual pleasure.
But sometimes it can be difficult for women, in particular, to be so. I probably don’t have to tell you that women’s sexuality is a host to countless societal taboos, hangups, and contradictions. The entire foundation of women’s studies is practically based on this premise. For example, while we are supposed to be sexual objects, it is generally only for the pleasure of men. Be too sexual and you’re labeled a for slut/whore/bimbo, but if you’re not sexual enough, you’re labeled a “prude.” Not mention, porn stars can create unrealistic expectations for both men and women! As a result, women sometimes can feel the need to police ourselves even when we’re in the middle of getting it on with ourselves/others.
Which is… Not exactly conducive to enjoying yourself.
So next time you’re getting it on, I implore you:
Take a deep breath.
Don’t think about how long/little it is taking you.
Don’t think about whether you left the stove on
(Because even if you did, it’s an excuse for some really fit firemen to show up at your door).
Don’t think about the weird spot on your thigh/stomach/whatever (I literally promise your partner doesn’t notice/care).
Just focus on the pleasure you’re experiencing and/or how you can help your partner.
If anything starts to feel good, lean into it. Let your partner know what’s up. Focus on it. Let it consume you.
Remember: You take as long as you need to. It’s not a race.
I know these are not easy things to do. In terms of my own personal journey, this was probably the hardest thing to get used to. So don’t be hard on yourself if it takes awhile. You’ll get there.
3. WHEN WITH A PARTNER,
ASK FOR DEMAND IT.**
Sexuality is one of the most integral and natural parts of human life. It can make us feel closer to people, give us a better sense of wellbeing, and even contribute to your health. It’s one of the most powerful drives on the planet and part of the reason that humans have lived for so long. It is seriously so, so amazing and something that every single person deserves to experience if they want.
So I urge you: Communicate to your partner what you like, don’t like, etc – Whether it be through words or body language. And always ask them these type of questions as well! Certain phrases you could try might include:
“Is this okay?”
“Can you go a little further up/down/sideways?”
“Right here/there feels good.”
“It feels really good when you x”
“Do you like this?”
Hell, I’ve even physically guided my partner’s hands to certain spots when they’ve asked.
Sometimes, if they’ve finished before I have (and don’t instinctively offer) I typically say something along the lines of:
“Hey, I’m so glad I was able to make you feel good. Do you think you could help me?”
Maybe they won’t be comfortable doing any/everything you want. That’s ok. Chances are, you’ll find something that works for you both.
But if a partner just isn’t willing to talk and isn’t interested in helping you enjoy yourself?????
Ditch them. Because this person is canceled, effective immediately and over. Sex is never just about one person getting off. It’s a conversation; a give and take. It’s about two people having a naturally enjoyable experience together.
Maybe you’ll occasionally partake in things for their sake or not feel the need to be helped in return. As long as you’re comfortably consenting, that is fine!!! But don’t ever deny it to yourself because you don’t feel worthy. You deserve it just as much your partner, and just as much as everybody else.
So go out there my lovelies and fill our world with your bright orgasmic smiles.
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I’ll see you all next time 🙂
*Depending on how much money you have to drop on a vibrator, I may recommend starting with your fingers/faucet first. That way, when you buy your vibrator, you’ll know specifically what kind you’ll want to buy (clitoral, vaginal, etc). You can also just buy a cheapo one and then invest in a nicer one later. Your call. 🙂
**I crossed out “ask for” because typically when women are told to ask for something, particularly if it is from a man, we (myself included) end up saying something along the lines of:
“Hi sorry would it be too much trouble if maybe you could just x?”
bena note: When I use the “term” women/woman in this piece, please know that I am referring to those with female-esque anatomy. Not all men have penises, not all women have vaginas, and not all people have either. Simply wanted to simplify the piece. 🙂